Wow, here's something interesting:
"Genius pigeon graduates college."
Joey, how can you read that junk?
Oh, my God. He went to the same school I did.
Attention all family members. Report to the kitchen immediately.
Training camp is about to begin.
Don't try to run for it, I've got the house surrounded.
Move it, move it, move it.
- Hut, hut, hut. Let's go. - What's going on?
- What's wrong? - Attention.
As you were.
God, I love the sound of my own voice.
This weekend, Tanners from all across this great country of ours...
...are gathering at Lake Pollock for a fun family reunion and picnic.
First we're gonna hug them, then we're gonna kiss them...
...and then once those picnic games begin...
...we are gonna kick some Tanner behind.
Michelle...
...you will be with Uncle Jesse in the balloon relay race.
All right. We're gonna kick some Tanner behinds.
Where does she get this stuff?
Okay, D.J. and Steph...
...you two will be tied together in the three-legged race.
We won't let you down, Dad.
Deej, we've gotta practice.
From now until the picnic, we'll spend day and night tied together.
Sounds like a dream come true.
Someone needs to work on her team spirit.
Joey!
As the only winner from our family last year...
...we are counting on you to repeat as champion in the pie-eating contest.
[IN GRAVELLY VOICE] I am the world's greatest pie-eater.
Nobody can touch me.
Aunt Phyllis, if you're out there doing your needlepoint, know this:
I will destroy you!
Okay, man. You can pump up with these.
- Get practicing. - All right.
Who wants to spar with the champ? I need a little competition here.
Oh, blueberry.
I'll try.
Okay, assume the position.
And, go!
Come on, come on, come on.
- Come on, Aunt Becky. - Come on, Uncle Joey.
Come on, come on, come on.
Faster! Come on, faster, guys!
Beat Aunt Becky! Beat Aunt Becky!
DANNY: Becky's gaining on you, Joey! Come on!
She's gaining on you, Joey. Come on!
Go!
We run out of forks?
Hi, honey.
Be with you in a jiff.
It's okay. I'll just stay here and snack.
- Finished. - We have a new champion.
- Great. - Yes.
Hey, man, no fair.
She's having twins. She's eating for three.
Besides, I think I had a blueberry up my nose.
This is all very fascinating, but I wanna tell you guys something.
I just met with a new record company. They heard my music and loved it.
- Honey, that's great. - It's not a done deal yet.
They said they'd give me a record contract if I come up with one great hit song.
I got very big news. You're my partner in the balloon race.
Oh, right, at the picnic.
- Let's practice right now. - All right, we will, I promise.
But right now I'll go downstairs and write the greatest song ever.
Just give me 10 minutes.
That is the kind of groundless confidence we need...
...to win that Tanner family trophy.
Because we are the Bay Area Tanners and we are gonna win, right?
Aunt Phyllis, you are dead meat.
Come on, Deej, we have to practice for the three-legged race.
Steph, can't you see that I'm busy?
Dad, D.J.'s not showing any team spirit!
All right, all right, let's get this over with.
Okay, now tie it up real tight so it won't fall off.
Now, we have to practice day and night, night and day...
...until we have it perfect, so we can win.
Okay.
Okay, now, let's practice walking first. Ready, go.
[PHONE RINGING]
That's my phone. I bet it's Ben Andrews. He's unbelievably hot.
I can't get this knot out.
Ben, don't hang up.
Steph, you're coming with me.
But we have to practice.
D.J.: We'll practice going upstairs. Come on.
Inside, outside, inside, outside.
Ben, don't hang up.
Keep ringing. Keep ringing. Come on, hurry.
Inside, outside, inside, outside, inside, outside.
I'm coming, Ben. I'm coming. Keep ringing. Keep ringing.
Keep ringing.
Hello?
- It's for you. - Thanks.
I gave your number out for emergencies.
Hello. Oh, hi, Eric.
I'm looking
At three-day-old pizza crust
I'll give it to Joey He'll eat anything
Guess what time it is.
Time for me to write a decent song.
Nope. It's time to practice. You need to walk like this:
Waddle, waddle, waddle.
Thank you, Michelle.
Now let me get back to my tune here.
You gotta practice too, partner.
All right, give me that.
Waddle, waddle, waddle.
There. Now take off. I gotta get back to my music.
Can I hear it?
Well, all right.
It's not really finished yet, but it starts like this:
Then I do, like, a verse, then a chorus...
...and a real nice bridge and then I do another chorus and it ends like this:
- What do you think? - You got nothing.
Tell me about it.
Write a song like this.
Five little speckled frogs Sitting on a hollow log
Eating some most delicious bugs Yum, yum
Thank you, Michelle.
One jumped into the pool Where it was nice and cool
Now there are four speckled frogs Ribbit, ribbit
Four little speckled frogs
I'm inspired now.
Sitting on a hollow log
Eating some most delicious bugs Yum, yum
One jumped into the pool Where it was nice and cool
Now there are three speckled frogs Ribbit, ribbit
Three little speckled frogs
Enough!
I hope you have a good reason for interrupting me.
I sure do.
Check this out, Jess. Another Elvis sighting.
This time they spotted him in Portland, playing miniature golf with Bigfoot.
Hi, honey.
- How's the song going? - Oh, terrific. Great.
He gots nothing.
I got nothing because I got no privacy. Can you please leave me alone?
Okay, Mr. Cranky Pants.
Out.
You don't want me to leave too?
Uh-huh.
After I waddled down here to bring you this snack?
Mm-hm.
Well, honey, don't take this the wrong way, but:
Thank you.
- Uncle Jesse, I have an idea. - Hmm?
You should write a song about a turtle and a duck.
Thank you, Michelle. Run along.
A turtle and a duck.
Oh, there was a turtle and a duck
Let's go, people. It's picnic time.
Move it, move it, move it.
Oh, I am so proud of you girls.
You've mastered the three-legged walk. It's as if you're not even tied together.
- We're not. - We're not.
- Stop talking when I talk. - Stop talking when I talk.
Becky, I just want you to know...
...that I've entered the pie-eating contest as a wild-card entry.
Joey, you don't stand a chance.
Of course I do.
I've switched to the Tasmanian Devil technique.
Now, when I see that pie, it's gonna be like:
[BLABBERING]
Hola, fellow picnickers.
My bag's in the van and I'm ready for action, coach.
Kimmy, as much as we'd love to have you on this trip, there's no room in the van.
Plus, you gotta be a member of the Tanner family.
But I am a member of the Tanner family.
At least that's what my parents keep telling me.
Everybody, I gotta talk to you.
Yay, Uncle Jesse's here!
Michelle, I think we've had enough bullhorn, okay?
All right, everybody into the van. Get the luggage.
Move it, move it, move it.
Here, Uncle Jesse, wear your T-shirt.
It's a poly-cotton blend.
Dad said it wouldn't shrink, but I think it's just cheaper.
This is what I gotta talk to you about.
I've been up for four days, I can't come up with a song...
...so I'm gonna pass on this picnic and stay home and work.
- What? Why? - What do you mean?
Well, look on the bright side, Tanners. Now there's room in the van for me.
Jess, we need you now more than ever.
Yeah, it's just not the same without you.
Yeah, you've gotta go.
Come on, honey, it'll be good for you.
Yeah, relax, take your mind off your work for a while--
I wanna keep my mind on my work.
This is my one shot at a record deal.
But you're my partner in the balloon race.
- Well, get another partner. - But you promised.
- Michelle, I can't. - But you promised.
Michelle, I have to write a song.
- But you promised. - Then I'm gonna break my promise.
I'm not going to the stupid picnic, so leave me alone.
- Jess. - Uncle Jesse yelled at me.
Oh, Michelle, I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it.
Come on, we're still gonna have fun at the picnic.
Uncle Jesse not nice anymore.
I've just written The Brady Bunch theme.
Maybe no one will remember.
What am I saying?
And we'll all have chicken and dumplings
When she comes When she comes
And we'll all have chicken and dumplings
When she comes When she comes
One more time!
She'll be comin' 'round the mountain--
All right, all right.
Are we there yet?
No, honey, we're not at the motel yet.
When will we be there?
[IN UNISON] When we get there.
I was just asking. Don't have a cow.
I think what Michelle's trying to say is she has to go to the bathroom.
No, I don't.
All right, I do. Please, Danny. I'm dying.
Didn't I say not to drink that thermos of Tang?
- But, Danny-- - Hey, don't make me come back there.
Dad, Kimmy's looking at me.
No, I'm not.
Kimmy, stop looking at Stephanie.
Something stinks.
Well, we're in the woods, honey. It's probably a skunk.
I know that smell.
Kimmy, put your shoes back on.
Oh, give me a break.
Fresh cup of coffee, black, and keep it coming.
Switch to decaf, will you, son? You're jangling my nerves.
I'm sorry, I just have a lot on my mind.
Hey, sonny, make me one of them sprout salads.
And put the Io-cal dressing on the side, will you?
Thank you, thank you very much.
I lost 72 pounds on this diet, man.
I got sprouts coming out my sideburns.
You know, you look exactly like....
Well, no, you're gone. I mean, you're not gone, you're here, but--
Never mind me, I'm just having a bad day.
Go ahead, finish your salad. You don't wanna hear my problems.
- Probably not. - My problem is my family.
They're driving me nuts, so I blew up at them.
You see, I finally got a shot at a record deal...
...but I gotta come up with one really great song.
And they're all mad because I'm not going to some stupid picnic.
Picnic?
They gonna have barbecue there?
I guess so. But I don't have time for that. My whole career's on the line.
Well, why aren't you home working on the record?
Well, I'm practically finished.
I just-- You know, I came out for a cup of coffee.
- You got nothing, do you, boy? - Well, I--
I wrote a song about a turtle and a duck.
Not really top 40, though.
You wanna know what my real problem is?
Yeah, lay it on me.
See, I got twins coming.
You know, I want them to be proud of their old man.
I wanna be a success. It's why I've been working so hard.
I want them to look up and see platinum records on the wall.
Babies don't care about platinum records.
All they care about is if their daddy loves them, is there to hug and kiss them.
Shame on you for snapping at your family. Over a picnic?
I also broke a promise to my 4-year-old niece.
I wish you hadn't told me that.
You're so busy chasing your pot of gold...
...you're forgetting what's really important.
If you wanna be a success, then you be a good father.
A good husband, a good friend.
After that, it's all gravy.
Oh, that sounds good.
Hey, sonny, throw some gravy on that salad, will you?
Well, it all makes a lot of sense.
Thanks a lot. I don't know why I dumped all this on you.
I feel like I know you or something.
Hey, let me buy your meal.
Thank you, thank you very much.
I swear, the way you say "thank you, thank you very much."
- You remind me so much of-- - I know. Wayne Newton.
Thanks a lot.
You have a nice night.
Listen, son, it's kind of cold out there. You might need this.
Now, you take care of business.
Hey, son, throw some gravy, come on.
Thank you.
Let me see them mushrooms.
I hope they can fix the van.
What if they can't? What if we're stuck here forever?
In that case, we're bear snacks.
All right, Danny, I think I got it. Give it a try.
Oh, Joey.
All right, we did it! We got the hood open.
Oh, man. No wonder we broke down.
It's filthy under here.
We're in big trouble.
[ENGINE SOUNDS]
Somebody's coming.
I hope it's the ice cream man.
- All right. - Honey, what are you doing here?
I was gonna meet you at the picnic. Something wrong with the van?
Yeah, the engine is filthy. Have a look for yourself.
Oh.
- Joey, give it a start. - Okay.
[ENGINE STARTS]
All right.
All right, turn it off. It's just a loose distributor cap.
Which you never would've found if I hadn't got the hood open.
Look, guys, you'll never guess who I met today in a diner.
- Who? - It's a guy. He looked exactly like...
...Wayne Newton.
But we got to talking...
...and I'm sorry I snapped at you guys today.
I just got so wrapped up in this record deal...
...you know, riding around on my high horse...
...that I forgot about the things that are important to me in my life.
And that's the people that I love.
You guys.
So I hope you can forgive me.
Oh, of course I can forgive you.
You can let go now, Kimmy.
Jess, don't be so hard on yourself. We know what pressure you've been under.
No, we don't.
Come on, Michelle.
Can't you forgive your Uncle Jesse?
Your name is Uncle Meanie.
- You're still mad at me, huh? - Duh.
Well, I deserve a "duh." I'm sorry I let you down, kid.
You yelled and you broke a promise.
Well, if it makes you feel better, I felt terrible all day.
That helps a little.
All right then, how about this:
You and I are gonna enter that balloon race and we're gonna win...
...and have the most fun we've had in our life. How do you like that?
That helps a lot.
All right, munchkin. Come on, give me a little love.
Excuse me. Everything okay here?
Yes, officer.
Okay, that's it then.
Why don't we go? Everybody in the van.
Dad, haven't you polished that enough? You're starting to wear off the inscription.
But I'm just so darn proud of you guys. It was almost a total sweep.
We took the balloon relay and the three-legged race.
Too bad about the pie-eating contest.
Danny, we're really sorry we let you down.
Who would've known when Aunt Phyllis took out her dentures like that...
...that she could gum down a pie that fast?
Everybody come down to the studio. I want you to hear a new tune.
Great.
All right, it's the world premiere of this tune.
I don't know if the record company will like it, but I'm proud of it.
And I'll tell you something. I couldn't have done it without you guys.
It goes a little something like this.
Sometimes you lose your place
And all you're searchin' after
Is right before your face
Riding on your high horse
Believing your own lies
Don't you know When everyone is kneeling
We're all the same size
Just a little more love Is all we're hoping for
Just a little more peace Is all we need
Take away the colors Don't you understand
It all breaks down To the heart of the man?
All one, think how strong we'd be
If you and me give a little more love
Break it down!
Take away the colors Don't you understand
It all breaks down
It all breaks down to the heart, child
All of the one, all one
All one, think how strong we'd be
If you and me give a little more love
It ain't that tough To give a little more love
Take away the colors Don't you understand
How strong we'd be
If you and me give a little more love
Love, love